Mishaps with a mannequin

Before moving to Germany,…but I question if I really moved here. It’s more like…I showed up here on a blind leap of faith. One that deep down felt incredibly wrong, but in the deepest place I knew to be my way forward. Away from heartbreak. Away from a dead end. A way to give up the community and life that was impelling me out. I left almost a year ago. I don’t care for the geography of where I live. I love the people in my life here deeply and I could not imagine saying goodbye. I love the fall colors. I love the colors of all the people. I miss the food, god i miss healthy California living. I miss the radical open-mindedness that circles around and makes the radical left and the radical right beides. I miss the San Francisco mindset…in some ways.. Yet, as I get ready to visit I feel a little bit nervous.

 I lived in one of the most open minded, fantastic places imaginable and liberal to a detriment. It was a community where every word felt like a potential offense, and where ideological purity often outweighed open conversation. In that environment, I was probably just shy of being labeled right-wing….sweet little vegan me. The average income hovered around $180,000 a year,..average….and that’s impossible to live on if you are not single and the population was a blend of white, Asian, and Hispanic residents—an affluent, “diverse” slice of America.

What strikes me, in hindsight, is how much Americans take assimilation for granted. Living on a continent surrounded by water, we grow up assuming that people who come to the United States will naturally adopt “American” ways. I’ve started to wonder if the water itself symbolizes perhap the ocean acts as both a barrier and a filter, creating a sense of similarity among those who cross it. And stay. LA is diverse….New York …ok maybe yes. SF…no….not to me anymore.

Living in Germany has changed the way I look at diversity fundamentally. I can laugh with my friends…here about americans leading the diversity train.  Germany is a nation rich with immigration, a tapestry of cultures,languages, religion…all woven together in one shared tiny! Space. To obtain a visa, one must complete German language courses and demonstrate proficiency at a B1 level. I probably function at around that level myself—I can teach Pilates in German, navigate doctors, dentist, optometrist and official appointments on my own, and participate in daily life without much issue. But what does it mean to participate in daily life. As someone who barely speaks the language at a functional level, I feel safe moving about Germany solo. I speak a ton..too much English. Relationship building. Here is where I sometimes feel so homesick and overwhelmed I can barely breathe. I cant express myself clearly. Aber here sind so many people who …live in Europe…so many languages…its totally different than life in USA. A pilates teacher who speaks crappy but understandable english? Not likely? Having dinner with people when you dont understand the language….its not as lonely as you might think. Three people I am attached to dearly here….dont really speak english. Language alone is a diversity I never considered. Here, in Germany, you are required to participate in language class…potentially pass a test to stay. As one of my friends here- German being his 3rd language, he is fluent…”it didn’t have to be this way” , laughing about how complicated german is to learn. This language is so hard…but its doable..but you dont sound good:) If American leadership chose to enact this language rule…the left would protest. But…its the only way to inclusion. To keep diversity and include inclusion.

Perhaps one of the greatest callings of humanity is the ability to see people as individuals- should be same for dogs…(#pitmom). And diversity is a real thing. Geography affects that, size of a continent …Hollywood. Diversity isn’t something you can…create….too many factors. And as individuals we just don’t know much, as a collective we can, but we usually fight and label.

I laugh at the way I used to think about diversity and inclusion, I just didn’t get it.. The kids in germany seem to kill themselves less…but they aren’t presented with so many….social issues we have created huge conversations around. I dont worry here…about what I say getting me canceled. I worry about …not being deeply understood, less hysterical and loud laughter. But thoughts ideas and opinions. Nope can say anything. It makes me laugh as I get so excited to see my LOVED people- basically ANYONE living in SF at this point I miss it so much…I also am nervous about the level of sensitivity. That I so deeply miss but enjoy making fun of over here. I am the snowflake…my snowflake friends would life. Is it even ok I’m joking about snowflake…oh…Dot. De so yes!