Mishaps with a mannequin

I woke up from a dream this morning, the kind that I knew I was dreaming while having it. I have been recording and..I don’t like the word analyzing but more paying attention for the past 10 years. I believe Carl Jung to be one of the most ..profound teachers in my lifetime. I am always surprised…when I blow off a dream, or don’t listen. At the beginning of a new point in my career about 10 years ago, I had what I have learned to be a “warning” dream. Basically, I was at a dinner and we ran up a huge bill…my boss kept saying not to worry she would help pay for it. At the end, everyone disappeared and I had to pay ….all of it…with my debit card- it took a lot of money from me. In dreams, money is energy. My therapist, a woman who appeared in my life several different times and is probably the most important person to me in the world in a way, said “this is a strong warning, are you absolutely certain you want to move forward with this endeavor?” I said oh yes. She said you will pay a high price and I would be careful with xxxjsdfhdjsfkjhkl……” 

I now live in Germany. And I now never doubt warning dreams- or good ones…or anything my subconscious mind tells me! My dream last night was about Korbel- dogs….living outside and choosing the love of a dog over any human connection…it was complicated. As my life here can feel. I don’t have a dog. I can’t write about that, because it..I have no ground to stand on without one. I had to put my dog down…probably about 2 months before it was absolutely necessary…but he should have gone…maybe…. earlier based on some pain he was having. I look to the fact that I made this choice, to give up a chance at pawrenthood as a reflection of how…sad my ending was in a way. And it was long. I’ve always had work and my dog. I cant write about the dog, too hard. Work…in my career I had reached a point of wondering if I was sophisticated enough…and a whole host of things behind the scenes I tried to ignore. I had a professionally upending in July of 2024 that made me aware- I have to sell my HOME, I have to leave something I built, because fuck you, and let go of my dog. And maybe I am …..unsophisticated. Unable. Too old. I moved to something good in Germany- but I paid. A lot. I still get paranoid and ask chat gpt if my response to one of my many work emails is sophisticated. I am starting to laugh about it, because fuck that. Its a quality of the bay area I do not miss. I laugh because Sonya was right and nothing was surprising because as things started to fall apart..I knew…because of that dream, this is the next phase. 

Moving to a country – I love- but that is so detail obsessed it complicates and kill creativity- I didn’t speak the fucked up 4 case language:) and thank god I didnt really comprehend how messed up it is at the point I made this decision!! I’d say Im a people person-but my fear of the german….Its hard for me when people dont laugh. Im not in Berlin. Im in Stuttgart- its GERMANY. You cant get by not speaking the beast. I can’t believe I did this – at like 44…Prime age of the career…and I felt so ….given up on, so beat down and also….done with the more toxic side of wellness. Like fuck I know I did a good job…everything just felt fucked up. Sophisticated people dont actually clean..and when you do, you get labeled as….well no need but everyone just needs to get over themselves in the Bay is sometimes how I feel. I make a point to clean, tidy and pitch in in every studio I work in here. I want to….I do NOT miss the “boundaries” buzzword culture. I have a boundary with that…is something I never say or think about. Its like not a thing here and we get by. I mean I also cant have boundaries- I dont speak fluent german so I have to teach whenever it works for that issue. I work on east coast hours for a woman and company I love …so my boundary about screen time before bed is toast. People just manage…

I got so lucky here professionally. My goal was to accept the limitations I’d been subtly accepting and give up. I was ok with what my goal was- to stock shelves at Aldi, or something that didnt involve speaking.. 

I actually had two beloved friends in town teaching at my studio…it felt like mine but thats so complicated- in December of 2023….Korbel got sick and was in the hospital…..they’ve known me a long time….and they could see- Me. I had this weird feeling that weekend, that…something would come of it. And…it did.

Now I work in the yoga space again…which I swore I was done with…but guess not. I work closely with technology…something I “couldn’t” do. I get to use my sales skills- I LOVE the people I work with and for. I love the fact that my boss knew both Bruno and Korbel. AS did her husband…and they are both a source of connection to the practice of the yoga philosophy i do actually need. This job is amazing and I love having a foot in the USA…while also….meeting people in Europe through this work. 

I have begun teaching Contrology- which is actually what Joseph Pilates called his method. It does NOT involve a megaformer, pulses, 40 reps , or any of that shit:) I have an AMZAING studio I teach at and the owner is truly ….an inspiration. She is a brilliant teacher, endlessly generous with her knowledge. She does everything for her studio and community. Very down to earth and has built an amazing time- she is one of the best in the business. 

I’m lucky that I’ve never worked a day in my life- still as I love the work I do. I wish I could work more. I know I’m doing what I am meant to do, I’m learning a ton every day. I dont worry so much about…who I am ….I saw a post about how a water bottle at a gas station costs .99 cents…same bottle at an airport is 7 euros…change your place…etc…I feel so lucky to be working, believed in. In a lot of ways I work harder and more…but I dont worry so much about boundaries…so like it feels ok. Busy. stressful. Rewarding. I’m constantly wondering what time it is on the east coast, a win-back campaign, ..how can we grow subscribers…programming. What am I going to teach this week. Thinking about my clients bodies, oh shit..how can I teach this in german…the satz structure..writing out pilates in german, slugs, SEO…attrition. Churn. Sales. Goals. Employee relations. Issues with the SBAHN…how will i GET to work. German class. Home life…laundry that takes 3 hours to wash, when can I do it? ACK…wrong language sorry- and trying to support other expats from my language school…I grew up with the german culture in my life, i love sourdough bread…I think the culture here is …fun…ny…in a sour way. I grew up laughing at the dryness. Korbel was particular…german in a way… but i if I hadnt known the culture…I could see where it would be a struggle to …start a life here, so I try to show up for others who feel..like what the fuck.…germany is wonderful and hard…sour…..you have to be able to laugh when looked at like a bug. But all of this is a gift. In a country I barely speak the language. I have a life….but I know the busy-ness…avoids the real absence of a pet. A need I can’t ignore, but I have to for now. I miss my community. I want to go back everyday…but i remember…lok at texts…remind myself….you cant. You paid too much. It’s good to be working and doing so many new things, old things and to know….I can probably do anything. And just because I am a narcissist, I know not many other people I know could deal with this. Mostly the hair situation. The hard water struggle is real. I will wash it in the Bay Area and New York in November and again in mAdrid for the end of the year. But i am not my body so let the hair go. And….leave it to the vulch to crush in a country…I do NOT speak the ..language:) In a broad sense. Also- pits have to wear maulkorbs here and pass a character test. I feel like that sentence can sum up the end for me…there. It would translate to Pits must a muzzle wear.