Mishaps with a mannequin

After class last night, I stayed after class to talk to my student. She was born in Germany, but her family is Turkish…so she considers herself turkish…and commented that the german culture can be a bit dry…and precise…no real zest or FUN. I was impressed of her use of the word zest. English is her 3rd language. People of other cultures, born here…don’t see themselves as German…which is interesting. People always seem extremely curious…fsacinated..WHY would you leave CALIFORNIA for Stuttgart. To which I reply that I am an idiot:) I mean, I do believe SF and Ca to be far superior to where I live now. Especially for my lifestyle preference. I struggle everyday with this fact. And the isolation I feel not having my beloved yoga community around me. But also…this is where life took me so I dont’t think about it so much, because it is too awful:) Germans in general are such planners and pay attention to detail and function- their kitchens are amazing….they plan and execute and I love that. I also find it extremely limiting and do not relate. 

As I was AN/ON the train home…home?!?!? I actually dont like that word anymore. I just think “nach hause” …home is where the dog is. 

I was thinking about how many people I talk to these days, here, in person. I don’t often speak with …actually ever, with Americans. The expat community in Stuttgart is huge…when we hear that…as americans….I think we think of us. But here…I find the american expat community to be military or executives working at Bosch, Mercedes etc. Insular. And I don’t often interact with americans. I feel american…but also…its as my brilliant and awesome human colleague, Amanda says, “you’re not one of them anymore”…about when you leave your country. I feel very Bay Area vs american…but even that….we’re pretentious in a weird way. I felt “unsophisticated” in some ways in the Bay Area…people super scheduled…because they are important…the wealth…the unflexibility…the BOUNDARIES….all of it…the determinedness to include. All that I am. Ive even started to wonder why there are so many …..pro-noun issues in the states…its here too but not such a 5 alarm and people just are themselves, we have that here too, but….not so much. Its not taught to children so less people probably realize they need to figure out their identity and make sure everyone recognizes it. 

I would say I retain the bay area rigidity and adherence to a particular state of mind…consciouness, intellectual thinking. I underestimated my intellectual needs. I feel so pretentious to say I miss the more intellectually stimulating part of living in SF. I miss the food- here there is a concern about caring for the aging population. Yet I dont’t see…talking about fitness, diet. Most people here maintain a diet of 80% salt with some food mixed in in my opinion:) I am total NOT adaptable to the diet here- I think its dangerous. Fried salt, with a heavy sauce, fried souls on a plate with cheese on top to clog your arteries and meals are not colorful. It looks like catfood. When i eat in a restaurant my tongue hurts from salt. SO i am totally SF in my absolute diva like food demands here…but also….I feel like crap when i eat like a local so I dont

But back to my thought- I talk with so many people…none of which are american- but they speak my language. Hollywood. I think we take for granted entertainment and how movies connect the world- I would say even more than technology on a global level. Culture retains itself here- turks born here are “very turkish” ….Syrians born here identify as Syrains…Thats so interesting to think about as an american. Our land is so small in a way.

As the train nears my stop…I stop racking my brain. I can only think of one american here I had regular contact with…and she and I never spoke- she was in my language class. This is just the weirdest feeling. 

My students dog died last week and she asked me about the dog I always reference in my class, Korbel. I said he was dead too, like Jesus.She asked if I felt like returning to SF..? Like…stuttgart..really?! I said yes if I could wave a wand fuck yeah. But also no. I said the only reason I really think seriously about a return to US NOW is to buy property in west Virgina or Tennessee..perhaps Michigan to start a dog rescue because I am not doing my part with the shelter crisis. I’m appalled by myself and my country for this. But I donate a portion of everything I make to shelters and rescues so I can tolerate living with myself.  She actually got my sense of humor.
People are people and we are all exactly the same as far as capacity for good and evil….but also not. It’s a weird feeling being a person here. I try to shed my bay area skin whenever I can cuz its toxic, but I’ll never let go of it either.”)

Then I remember- my neighbor! Ralphie’s dad! He’s not next door at the moment, but I did live next door to an american…who has lived here 17 years- he’s integrated. And awesome. He let me be friends and spend time with Ralphie, his dog. She was a little dog, which a big soul. Probably one of the most strategic thinkers as far as dogs. Ralphie was hungarian, adorable and extremely wise. Gabriel from Pennsylvania….but hes the version of american……that you become.