Mishaps with a mannequin

There’s this hallway that has become familiar to me the past few years, anywhere in the world I am, I walk down it a few mornings a month. Tuesday night I went to bed exhausted and decided to set my alarm for 20 minutes later than I needed to to get to language class the next morning, and if I was late so be it..that extra 20 minutes of sleep would have that dramatic effect upon my mind. Which sounds like a simple decision,of course,but what lurks beyond our simple decisions is never lost on me. My life is too busy-to fill an emptiness of course. And lately, the feeling of submission, the need to cave has washed over me. Submission to the german language, to being an american. The feeling Ive let myself feel about americans- we don’t tend to adapt, learn languages..why should we? The subtle american mindset, the widespread english peppered on every continent. Our greatness can be isolating. And we are great ironically, if only in a sense of world order. Home is where the dog is and Ive put myself in a pawless situation. The SF data laws call for 8 hours of sleep to function top notch- I live by that- but the adjustment in my alarm clock likely masks a deeper need I wish to ignore. In the midst of a dream underway, a clock appeared, with the feeling of needing to make a decision about being on time to class. Was I going to get up, set it…why wasn’t it going off, as it should have been set for THIS moment? I became aware that I was lucid dreaming, that it was likely the time I “should have” set it to be on time to class. It was 6:36 exactly- the time it needed to go off. I laid there for 20 minutes more waiting for it to go off. Walking down the hallway to consciousness. With the pain? Weight?All the information we can receive in our dreams if we are open. That I needed to face this, whatever it is.Dream is such a loaded word. Make your dreams come true- chase your dreams, that was totally dreamlike (therefore unrealiastic) Chasing a dream …that one makes me laugh. Chasing consciousness is double edged.  Dreams hold an absolute honesty that pave the way to the reality I operate within. They inform me of everything real in the world.  My relationship to and with my dreams is the most satisfying and intimate relationship I have in my life and likely ever will (now that Korbel is dead anyhow. God he was amazing)

 Anyhow- the hallway from total dream to awake showed up yesterday the space where the weight of the dream and the most beautiful and inconvenient truths are laid bare on my back. I dont’ often get quiet mornings to myself, which I crave.I find the interference of other people’s energy to be disconcerting in the morning, so I savor the mornings I get this phenomennam of coming to. I dont often share so much about this, we are often quiet about the things that matter most to us. For reasons we avoid topics of such depths, a perfect mirror taking place of where our eyes sit. Perhaps why I have always loved animals- instinct cant be communicated with the spoken word. Especially in stuttgart germany- such an arrogant statement, but that’s my bitterness at aspects of my situation coming out, a longing for the comfort in projection. I also think people are lazy about seeing themselves, especially in the current climate which I am so sick of hearing. The current climate- such a blame game. I do believe the collective consciousness is a bit sick now and we all must do the individual work on ourselves to heal the world. How are you Trump-y..Afd-y. When we truly see ourselves we see- Trump is just a man, Hitler was just a man….Stalin too. And that sucks.Our waking mind loves to sort and organize information. Have clarity. Separate ourselves from monsters. Whatever WE deem that to be. Right now. The other morning I woke up wondering why no reporters really cover Trump’s brother. I pick him because I hate him in my waking state and of course that will show u pin my dreams to call me out and show me how I am him. I choose the example also because people have an opinion and I think he may be a well known divisive figure! HE is not divisive- WE are. We are his power.  I’m a sober alcoholic. All my opinions on this are colored by the fact I cant handle a drink. I have judgments around those that drink daily- but its pretty normal actually. This could be a topic of itself. Trump doesnt drink- not socially normal these days. He’s a Barbara- a just say no guy. Which makes me laugh- how great a life would be if we could just say no!  But what motivates this decision to abstain touches me deeply.  He talks about it rarely. I dont’ think the press or any of us really care to examine what makes trump human, and I think thats the real problem. With us.  I googled it (wake up and google) and saw an interview where Trump talked about it and how he doesnt drink because he lost his brother to alcoholism. His choice to abstain is his vulnerabilty. The waking me reviles at his policies and way of being in the world…but on the deepest level I know we are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Most of what we say and do comes from such unconscious places in our mind…its hard for me to hold on to any of it these days. I’m as righteous and indignant as the next person- the human condition is just that and we are all idiots, hitlers, and mother Teresa’s. Our polarization is laziness. 

As the thought of going or skipping german class wormed it’s way into my dream … (in the dream i felt deeply annoyed at being called to face something I dont feel able…wanting??? Of right now.) I have so much going on with a legal issue, work….language….desire to speak it.  Not to mention navigating the ache of missing a dog so much I can barely breathe, while also knowing I can’t even think about that, dealing with the holidays and impending social time with people i dont totally know. Or that don’t totally know me. So many external things- to blame for the external. AND! I’m at the point where my mind is blown at how complicated german seems to me and the amount of work to form a fucking sentence seems….well…very german. Germans are some of the nicest people, and they know its not the easiest thing to learn their language. Actually..(zwar?) There is a particular look of glee that passes over their face when they learn you are learning german.The light in their eyes as they tell you …ahh yes, its complicated…be patient. They have sympathy. (Because they know its unreasonable:)) Germans seem to love process, documentation, making process after process to simplify things and also create less work by implementing more rules and systems. The language feels reflective of that. The past few days I have felt like there is no way I will ever get this language and my overall comprehension has deteriorated. I question if i even understand the word THE. In english. To set my alarm for an extra 20 minutes of sleep and and allow myself to be 23 minutes late to the class was a way to deal with said feelings eh.. Of course the dream woke me up 20 minutes early with “hey…are you really going to let yourself be late”? Because- the reality is I have to learn this beast. I live here. Sort of. Not really but yes…and  I want to better teach my pilates students in German, I don’t want to be the american that caves and just uses english. Its rude and also keeps me..sick in the cycle i will never escape because I am american. Because the reality is…well there’s so much contained in that statement. We are fantastic- and big, and we produce. And the hustle and grind I need to do this is a product of my AMERICAN upbringing. But there is also a separation that comes with that. American’s tend to …stick to america or expat areas, and rely on the fact English is king. I dont’ want to do that because I am probably a liberal.:) figure that out! 

 I’m the only american in my class … .the only person who speaks only 1 language vs 2 minimum. I see people give up everyday- drift out and not come back…I see them at the train station months later … .telling me in broken german or english…they can’t. But they have other languages they can use…as do I but it feels different to me. 

In the past week I would say, the language has dwarfed me. Learning German, being in a situation do far from my culture…from myself in a way…if I allow the moments to come together and I look up to the wave that breaks over my head, the salt water burning my throat, nose and lungs as it threatens to drown me.I burst back through to the surface most days eyes burning, body heaving with what the FUCK. What the fuck have I dont with my life? With myself. This language is so complicated- like its a fucking joke. That gets worse everyday.  If I zoom out to much, what I am doing makes no sense. I feel lost and exhausted. Homeless. Home is where the dog is. But when I zoom in, I see all the little pieces that paved the road here and , well here i am.

The hallway to awake was screaming at me to wake up- and not for class but that…that I’m on my edge. Deep down I’m starting to give up, to succumb to what is there- always pulling us under- our unconscious mind. I don’t know how great I am at keeping that separate anymore – and from the outside- this doesnt actually make sense. Perhaps I had to move here, to stun myself with leaving all my entire life behind, to give up the power of choice in a way. All the little things fell into place to make this make sense, but it doesnt make this doable, but I have to do it. Because I am here. I woke up. I reached for a paw and there was none. I got up and had a day with some great parts and a few days later someone on the periphery but very important changed my feeling about the language. Maybe he will change my life but that will take a few more weeks to find out. 

 Last night I dreamed about a killer whale living in a swimming pool I had and the thrill of having an aimal close to me. Those of you who know me know how I feel about tillikum, so of course in my dream I was Sea World. But I noticed my whale’s spine beginning to show, the skin becoming dull and rough. I began in earnest to get a rescue to come get him to no avail. What an overwhelming situation- a killer whale in a swimming pool that i need to get back to the ocean. I have a prius, but it’s in america.