Mishaps with a mannequin

Something I rarely think anymore is “I am so far from home”. I guess what I am doing feels like familiar? Right ? Or some switch in me has flipped, like all of this…this whole era has been so over the top, i no longer think about things in a way I recognize. But I feel it – especially the last like 4 hours of the flight home:…no more in the emotional sense- …however…even feeling that not often these days. I am far from where I started, but it’s grown to feel normal for now, good for now. Ive heard living in a foreign country grants you a whole second persona. I’ve grown used to many hearing many languages and not speaking the most common one in any given situation. Im also trained enough in language i would say to sort of get the gist…I mean being from CA, Spanish….i can understand a little, but my ability to speak , limited as it was , has gone completely and my reaction to hearing any language other than english is to respond in German. My life feels familiar though. Maybe that has always been the case- from being in a rehab in Utah in my teens that also used us as experiments in drug trials and used physical, and emotional torture tactics on us, to my really successful career, to being a pawrent to multiple celestial beings. I dont think I would have moved to Germany, had I not possessed the knowledge of my ability to just dive into any circumstance and just live. Like Keith Richards says “It’s just great to be anywhere.”

But I DO wonder how this happened. Like how have I gotten here, a person who loves speaking with people to arrive in a place of …I love it in the USA when I can understand everything,and its fantastic…but it doesnt feel like a strong preference. Being an American is weird- because we are so big, so powerful- and we are trailblazers. WE DO IT- wild and crazy….we give it all- tech, weapons, advice, entertainment. Anyone can rise to power, you can say whatever you want – except around the fringe left. Its both fantastic and absolutely awful. Its just geography at a point- we lack exposure- lucky for the rest of the world as we want to started wanting to build walls with countries and we all build walls with each other now too. Where do you stand on Ukraine became relevant to ask at some point, oh, you are pro palestine..? Are you antisemitic…no…i just hate whats going on on both sides in its entirety. And ATROCITY happens everyday, everywhere, but we fixate on world war 2 because its easy. Documents do that. We have a day to celebrate our undocumented massacre. My ukrainian friend proposed to his russian fiance, borders are too close to cancel each other here. People can tolerate more here. That doesnt make everyone tolerant- its just geography.

I find my love of language increasing. I think german is complicated but germans think complicated is not bad. NOT BAD is basically fantastic. When people say my class wasnt too bad…it stings but not anymore…when i teach someone a private and they stare, no smile and just say Tschuss and walk out,  I no longer assume I will never see them again. Well I do but thats in my american compartment. Ive stopped wanting to stop sessions with clients and offer a refund 20 minutes in based on facial expressions and demeanor. I judge everything through my american lens, english is king- and people recognize my language. But I also know, connecting with people in any language is not so hard. Probably easier now, because this experience has been ego smashing, identity pushing and soul expanding. The practice of yoga asks us to engage in self study- which is great- except the examiner is full of their own thoughts and opinions, Switzerland is just a concept? Lofty goal? bullshit:) …It asks us to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve let go of two much, but I can’t imagine to get it all back. Its weird to feel foreign to yourself, and I do and don’t. I can’t imagine to have NOT done this, to not be here, surrounded by love. Ive been so lucky here, but it demands a lot. I noticed last time I was in CA, my driving is different, lack of use. I hate driving in Germany. Partly- it’s a mercedes and I prefer a lower end car i could be ok totaling:) But also- I am terrified of the German police, I jaywalk rarely because I am afraid. Things are so exact, rules etc…Driving in Spain feels much easier, so I also had fun driving home last night- it was so enjoyable. I got to hug a donkey in Amsterdam last week. Losing everything is a good starting point. Such a position of privilege to say that.Maybe better to say smash yourself? Check yourself than wreck yourself?