Mishaps with a mannequin

When I was a kid – if I ever was a kid, I wanted to be a writer. A few weeks ago- like 100 years later, I said to myself, well that never would have worked, you are a fucking recluse. An old boyfriend used to call me a fucking recluse and I would always argue. Europe has confirmed, I am in fact a fucking recluse. Probably antisocial and possible recklessly loose with details, a fucking total slob that leaves her shower wet, and can’t maintain order. But as it pertains to writing, writers either hide everything they are from the world by words and use the page as a shield. OR you let people really see you- actually probably both. And i don’t like to be seen by other people.Jesus christ here everyone tells you every detail about everything and everyone else but say NOTHING. I love to irish exit, I hate leaving the house, and like to be able to ask for no salt on my dinner without involving the entire restaurant. No joke. I ordered a mushroom omelet with no salt and somehow everyone in the restaurant got involved and i let my face fall into the german stare…but because I am in germany it didnt have the effect it would have had at LSY. Every single person in the restaurant looked at me or commented because what if the order was mixed up with another person who wanted salt.. Rising food prices dont effect germany because germans eat salt with only a little food mixed it. With a dark sauce and wonder why their aging population suffers. If you want to sneak out of an event early forget it, it will take an hour, invlove a long explanation and a lot of details. But its stupid little shit- no one ever just asks “what book changed your life?” Whats going on with you?” Someone important I met here- used to say :” You are a stranger among friends and I friend among strangers” which may in fact sum it up.While I was living my life, there was a little embryo running around Kiev. Life put us on the same continent and its endlessly curious to me what would have happened if we hadnt met, in this life. I’m just jaded and cynical enough to distrust him or I am possibly a narcissist and think what everyone thinks. Im unique and misunderstood.. I miss the anonymity of my old life. More than a lot. This is my 3rd new year in Germany- 2nd as a resident. It used to be my favorite holiday. Work, nature, workout, home on the couch with the dog and a good show by 6 or 7. In bed whenever. I just do what I feel , always, just whatever flows through me and is honest. I dont like to be told I must stay up to midnight. I don’t want anything to do with group mentality. Europeans exhaust me with the need to celebrate and sit around like slugs to enjoy life. Its like my dad says- we enjoy life, but at a different pace, which made me realize europeans prize themselves on the slower pace adn I hate THAT because I just move at whatever speed i do. The weight missing my community, my job, surroundings, friends, food, casual, casual, lackadaisical and loose life hangs on me like a noose these days. I hear the talking heads song in my head constantly, but I think David Byrne’s frage :”and you may ask yourself how did i get here?” was a little more peppy than mine this exact week.  I walked away from everything- including the power of choice of how I live my life to an extent. I was thinking about writing about that, this experience-  which would of course expose my own vulnerabilities and so I laughed and decided that was why I didnt become a writer. That and I was really busy doing other stuff. Then I realized I actually tell people casually that I was in fact in some like teen torture facility where they used us for medical experiments, so I may in fact be rather open, i talk about a book that changed my life and why, mental health. I don’t have time for all this other shit…like what the news, media  and world is shoving down our throat- including holidays. We are all idiots- I miss saying it and being around people that know it too. as my beloved daughter Kayla said to me once “ seems like you know a lot of idiots, assholes and retards…Im glad you think im an idiot. I love you too”. Germans are too literal and sarcasm, my humor doesnt translate. D.A. knows that makes me laugh. When people take life seriously- which makes germany both highly entertaining adn lonely for me/ I don’t use the word retard any more. Once I bought a bulldog, so yeah, fuck me…idiot and asshole…and imbecile… which is what i meant by the R word. But I’m from somewhere weird where anything goes and now I live in Stuttagart germany. I’ve always seen people as sea kelp, floating back and forth just going with the flow man. Germans are like sea kelp moving, as are all human beings but only the very tip top and the middle, its like they are based in cement, which …well imagine sea kelp as cement.. Sway. I would say that sums up SF except for the radical left that fucked up everything…very rigid. I do not think people here sway. Yesterday, as I sat in a ball before bed, I thought, I miss feeling really seen. I want to go to the beach and be alone. I felt really sorry for myself. Then I got into bed and realized I said the exact opposite of what i’d said in my last wave of self pity the week before.I said to myself, out loud “ You miss being seen, you hate exposing yourself and being seing, go to fucking sleep , fuck everything”. Basically California is NOT america, its its own country and SF is an asylum. I miss my asylum. More than anything I wish I was in my house, with my dog, next to the beach alone. Why did i sell?? The last week I have asked myself that over and over. But I also know why, I mean i don’t, but I will and do…. what I did made sense but makes no sense.{ Roland actually just asked “ Is it not too hot? How can you drink it?” about some tea he just made me because I am sick. To which I responded “i can, Im american and we have to be hearty to pay for your military, defending and paying for everything, living with wet showers and loose plans. Americans are more hearty that eskimos on the arctic tundra. We drink hot coffee our of fucking buckets while saying whatever the fuck we want…talking about feelings, letting people be themselves, stand on a corner naked and screaming. We leave our showers wet…..so to surmise:Its not too hot, its tea, its supposed to be hot”. I am launching a course “how to decipher sarcasm, how to handle and identify humor and ways to cope with laughter” so he is equipped to handle mild outbursts. I threw “surmise” in cuz I am a bitch.So on this New Years- I wish I was back at LSY doing my thing, with my dog alone. And it’s knawing at me, but I am not and I can’t. I dont feel sad about it- its a bigger feeling than that. Because all joking aside- I can’t go back to just being an american. We will never understand how the world outside us works, but I am beginning to see it and I cant imagine to leave europe now.. There are people on this continent that keep me here. All of them I resisted at first- usually when I bond for life with someone, there is an initial disgust, distrust and annoyance which i forget everytime. Amanda- one of the most inclusive, down to earth people to own a fitness business that thrives who has endlessly supported me, said something wise to me…” even if you go back, you’re not one of them anymore” about people who migrate and go back. And she is one thousand percent right. There are just people here I can’t say goodbye to. Friends, clients….But this is also extremely challenging and sometimes I wonder when the fuck I will get to recharge my own battery. I feel so settled and so unsettled. A wise friend once said to me you play the hand you’re dealt” and that’s what i did but I didn’t think it through. I was too busy overthinking. I ran a yoga studio- and everyone there is letting go, surrendering and all the shit that comes along with that universe. So i thought I understood what those terms meant, but it turned out haha, I didnt. This is that. But…I’ve never been like everybody else.My life has never fit the mold- much as I fit everywhere in some strange way…. I didn’t like to say that before…Paris Hilton actually changed my mind about that. The teen torture center, she was at the one I was….thank god it happened to someone rich because she got them all shut the fuck down- Thanks to Mitt Romney- bless him. Most people that went through there are dead, on drugs or insane. Because …well torture will do that to you. So my life has always felt a little unconventional…so this just feels normal in one way but is breaking me in another. I don’t think I thought through what it would be like to lose my anonymity, what is granted to us when we live our lives among those we live our lives next to, who are used to us. I didn’t think about how difficult I can be to understand, how free i used to be. But then on the other hand- I have no living thing depending on me, no house..nothing really holding me down so in some ways I am free. I feel like i’m suffering now, mostly because I can’t watch netflix with my dog. Next to the beach alone. My life feels more complicated than I can bear. Another ex, who knew me, deeply would laugh if he heard me say that. he once said I was the smartest person in any given room and the strongest person he ever knew. Which was a lot. First off, he thought he was smarter than anyone so maybe he meant a room he wasnt in..but still…and he was fundamentally opposed to compliments, kindness and laughter. He was in fact not german ( but i sure am drawn to SOUR….) . I hate him for how it ended but I wouldnt be doing any of this if he hadn’t said that. Anyways, life is complicated and I just want to go home. But I can’t and I know that. It just hasnt broken my heart til now. It’s 6pm and I am expected to stay up til midnight. And its that that I hate- anything that cuts off the flow, like an imposed holiday. SF forever. But for now, Europe. Another thought I had was it could be interesting to run for chancellor. Simplify the language a bit, give the beavers a break and digitize, take away the salt and seed oil, maybe offer my course on keeping it light, stop wasting time worrying abou tif people can tell the difference between plant based meat and meat. Cancel all the holidays. Build a wall instead of a gasline and bring in the pitbulls to lead the way.love is always the answer, resiliency is never a question. Why must we always muzzle that?

And i guess when in Europe- NYE…rich in tradition. so go with it…like i do everything it seems these days!