Mishaps with a mannequin

Dear korbel

Today i saw someone at a restaurant for the second time…just a random person. He looks similar to darcy’s dad…and he makes me sad, so i naturally felt sad seeing him last time and i must have sort of stared, which he must have picked up on because he stared back today I saw him again. And as i sat down to eat, i had the thought “i am so profoundly lonely i can’t stand it. “ I thought about it, like times i didnt feel lonely, or noticed the thought arrise that in a few hours people on the west coast will be awake but honestly, the only person i could think of that would make me feel less lonely was you. I know you were never a person, but to me you were…not a person but perhaps the most solid companion ive ever known. I miss you everyday, but some days its more than i can bear and i want to break down crying. I only cried once after you died- like really cried. Because 2 days after you left i moved to germany. My entire world changed and you felt so far away. The panic and terror i felt at never seeing you again was all consumin and also so very distant. I have your paw print. I think about our final walk and how much you were limping, but how long we spent. I knew for weeks …months you were leaving. For many reasons. Your health- and your temprement….big k it was so bad at the vet- i do not miss living in fear for your health. But i miss taking care of you adn i miss the way we got through every single DRAMATIC vet visit. I think back to our last weeks and months together. When we were living at my mom’s. Remember how you were in the closet scared, hiding the first few days…and then you bounced back the way you did. I felt so guilty korbel, for ending your life early, but it never would have been clear for your end. I know that. You were suffering adn yet it wasnt your time. I picked a date for you to go and for me to move. I dont know if i will ever …..i don’t like the word forgive because i actually dont have regrets…..I could definitely have waited, but then….you were limping and if something had happened with your skin or ears, i made choices to keep you comfortable and they made you antibiotic resistant. I knew about how to dose you from the ron debacle. I ended your life because….mine had ended the day i had the meeting with Mckinley and steph at Ground Floor. It was July 17th. I left that meeting barely able to breathe and all i could think was in 3 hours I would be with you. And that. I had to go. You were the last thing really holding me in sf. I hate how it ended but i also look back on the entirety of our relationship and how much you pushed me. I never knew a pet could be so difficult:) but we made it through and we got into a rhythm…me and you. And it could only be us two. So we both left and i know i did right by you. Korbel, i was so scared when i got here. I thought of you in the bathroom and relaized how scared you must have been- i felt bad for all the times i got frustrated. I miss our time on the couch, it was sad when you stopped sitting in my lap every night but i also know …your angst that i would leave started to dim so you trusted me enough not to sit on me. I miss our quiet companionship more than words can begin to describe…i dont have a dog and i cant imagine having one now- because you were so special…my mystical sea slug. You ate a door to get to me. Darcy’s dad immediately called that i had in a way been proud of you for the determination you approached the task with. The man was not darcy’s dad but conjured up the feeling of my old life enough to make me see my loneliness. Its weird korbel. I love my life here in germany in a lot of ways, but i also miss myself. Its hard. Being different. Today i wore flip flops because its 60 degrees and all the neighbors asked why i wasnt wearing socks? Its february…wow…i get so sick of this shit sometimes. But i think oof you the 88 pound pit- you couldnt walk down the street with anonymity either. Im so tired today korbel- i feel as exhausted as you. Im sorry for all the times i didnt play with you. I just thought about bruno and how many things i wish i could apologize to him for. Its funny, maybe its expat life but i see my loneliness right outside of me but i have to ignore it because you are gone and i am too in a way. Now i have to go teach- which im excited to do! It makes me feel better- i take the train, around people…im in another country. Today at lunch i wanted to ask for the soup as a full portion lunch but…like i said im tired so i couldnt figure out how to say it. So i just had small soup and salad. Sometimes i want to say things but cant figure out how. I understand most german though…even when i am tired which is weird. I know you would be as proud of me as i am of you. I work with your friends kino and tim- remember when we helped you that weekend. Kino came back for me the way i did for you. Anyways, i have to go because i really have to catch the train. Weds night i teach in english but had 3 random students last week- 2 spoke only german and 1 both…so i had to pivot and teach in german…..a class. Which i normally don’t …wont do…i did ok. But thats my expat life- i had so looked forward to that class last week and its clearly labeled ..”english”…but thats my life in germany- those disappointments that follow any expectation. I dont know who i am sometimes, but then i stumble across an american and i see who i am now. I feel like something is missing since you left. I have to go now. Think i stuffed it deep enough. sometimes i remember our best walk ever…remember when we were on the great highway and that girl from the coffee shop came up and said we looked alike….like we matched and we just looked at each other. panic in babylon

Love, 

Laurel and korbel