Mishaps with a mannequin

I hate when people ask me if i plan to stay in Germany. I never planned to come here. I feel like replying “ Do you plan to stay where you are LIVING or not?” Do you plan on your marriage lasting? Do you plan to just keep your every day the way it is now? I mean i get it- germany is a weird country for ME…most people who WOULDN’T ask me that question know me enough that if i said fuck off- thats actually- youre getting all of me. Its the general population i have to worry about with the answer.  I can assure anyone I do not plan to stay in germany and look forward to leaving quite a lot actually! Perhaps it would be relevant to also say …but I’m a pisces sun, cancer rising and capricorn moon, I was a trainwreck highschool drop out as a kid, and really pulled myself up by my bootstraps- no idea how really. I grew up in fucking palo alto where everyone thinks they are stephen hawkings or mark zuckerberg so I basically feel like because i don’t have an ivy league degree, and aura watch and know every acronym in the book with a fucked up cervical spine- i could lose everything at any moment and am always feeling like i should leave where I am. I saw my first homeless person when I was like six and asked my dad how could this happen- to which he replied “credit card debt.”So …like I always think I should be fleeing to higher ground. So that particular question especially with me- is not really going to get you any kind of valuable information. I love to laugh, think details are not as important as the big picture – so Germany…can feel a little stifling adn I laugh when i tell people who KNOW me where i live…cuz like…im rigid in someways, punctual and like efficient. So ….by US standard…german- but its the sarcastic sense of humor…and you really have to check that at the border here- little mr acker laughed when i told him germany- because he knows i find literal people trying to laugh hysterical. I love watching these germans live life…when things don’t work – when humor presents itself- when i make myself laugh and tears fall down my face and they stare. 

That all said- I can barely scrape by with the language, i have friends, i love my jobs…..its home too now and i can not imagine leaving here. Not now. But staying…is also complicated. In the past week- my friend here died. I’ve actually felt several losses here- this being huge. Gabriel was part of my life here and he is gone. Then my cherished soul sister got diagnosed satge 4 lung cancer, my dad went in the hospital. My beloved uncle has alzheimers. And i am so far–too far away. I panic when i think of how far i am from everyone I love. And i figure out how to live with that panic….because it doesnt make sense to leave—but – i said to myself when everything starts NEEDING to make sense to you- you have to run. So no I won’t be staying- but i wont be leaving either. Living outside your country requires you to basically let everything go. I’ve eaten dairy- and i fucking cant get the images of dairy farms out of my mind for days. I dont say things or ask questions sometimes because i don’t know how. I don’t have history here. I cant always understand what im buying so i waste money. I feel like a burden with my california eating habits. Everyday as an expat (not that i am one) fucking crushes you and builds you up in ways you can’t explain. When someone asks me if I plan to stay in germany I say I have no idea…for now…sure…until my visa for north korea gets processed….its home now..and it kind of…is….which is a heartbreak and a wonder.…..So while answering this question feels harder than learning a 4 case language – I also know: I can let go of everything I know and start over, anywhere! live with kalk encrusted hair- no really- I hate my hair almost everyday…thats grates on a person. I know I can probably learn most languages enough to get by. I can deal with sadness, lonliness and the joy of life. I know I am from the greatest country on the planet- but I also am so glad to ….wake up from our geographical ignorance. I love most of my days- and the challenge of taking care of myself in this strange situation i find myself in . I love all the people, the conversations, learning a new language- being american, not sharing a continent with trump…I enjoy the european pace – of course at enjoy it at my american tempo:)