Mishaps with a mannequin

Laurel Haslam

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I’m a person. Finnicky. Dry humor. Contrology is life. Voracious reader. Animals. Hates war, cruelty and stupidity. We are all idiots:)

  • start. begin. anfangen- which can be split.i am split.

    Usually I can sit and write myself out of anything. Out of any sort of confusion or funk. That was before I left my country. I didnt really think it through, I mean i thought i did. But how can you? How can you when you are an american. When you come from the most powerful country in the world. I say that because i know it’s true. Forget political power, like forget what you see on the news, because i have. Its hollywood, pop culture. Facebook. The fucking balls to kill an entire population and build. Everything- america is a little lost right now- like wtf deep shit lost- BUT its still america…I mean look at Germany- they sorta bounced back. How can you think through moving to a different country from one so geographically isolated? So big? One spoken language. Thats never been a socialist state…funny how the people who think they want socialism are usually alternative,,,turns out in a more socialistic place you lose a  little of your ability to well…be yourself for the greater good. These little things we romanticize about euro life in the usa become the trenches that surround you, isolating you for the person you used to be. 

    Fuck growth, fuck self developement and all that bullshit we are known for on the west coast. Moving abroad- and like not to be a digital nomad. Not to hop in and out of the EU…but like following a path that appears, as they do in life and selling your shit and going. With no real plan, no job, no real grasp of the language and no real way back. 

    Ive been wanting to write lately, but i dont even know how to say what it is I think and feel. I feel like a spectator in my own life. I feel totally far away from my own culture, and also like…”how on earth will i go back”? Will I want to? When will |I want to? How can i ever leave the place i am now? So much has happened here..ive grown so much here..here…i live in a different part of the world truly. Not an expat hotspot, but like a sorta..yucky place in south germany that ive built two new careers in, lost part of myself, gained part, made friends, found love, lost love, lost friends. I can understand german sometimes, other times not. I can help people make shapes with their body in two different languages. I’m so used to being uncomfortable its not uncomfortable anymore. I can’t imagine hearing only english- i love when i can speak it- fast and like myself…but not hearing other languages and seeing improvement in my own second language- yuck. I like being around so many different cultures and i love the fact that its so common to have to learn a language. That if you it for hours at a table multiple times a year in spain and look up a few verbs …you can sorta have an idea of what people are …saying. I constantly wonder when i will feel like i have a home. When can i get a dog? How can i live without one another day? Does anyone see me? Does it matter anymore? No not really. How would i go back to living in the US? How can I NOT? The bureaucracy is really scary and sometimes i wonder why the suicide rate is not higher here. Life is so surreal? Who could i possibly talk to about all of this…no one so i just get quiet. Adjusting. Im always adjusting, but am i? Or is this just my  new set point? Do i even have a set point? If i were european, moving countries would be no big deal. Im starting to really be able to roll with anything- i mean anything. I worry that i am a narcissist- i often think – i dont know many other people that could do this….like maybe anyone? I have come to terms with the fact i cant even really clean my hair…hard water issues. The anxiety of being so far from home and at home at the same time. Knowing there is no undoing the choice. Becoming so good at just cut it the fuck off. Don’t even THINK about your apartment by the beach. Where you could get a dog. And do whatever you want without suing a forest cuz its not germany. Its so fucking hot here and i miss SF- the state of mind,. The air…the weather! The food, but …i’m…i dont belong there. Nor do i belong here. Or anywhere. People telling me “oh when i moved abroad..”…when in fact their HR person did all their paperwork for their one year stay in a country and they were not expected to learn the language. And their house and life was waiting stateside. Like paying more than 200 bucks a  month for health insurance waht? How will i get back? How can i be present when i dont belong here? How will i survive never seeing korbel again? I am so tired. Yet so energized. Wait… ive been speaking german all day… wait no one switched to english except a few times when they could see i was lost, but i wasn’t lost. How on earth am i supposed to do this life and when am i coming home? But wait…would that involve leaving here?? Than no..i”ll wait. I’ll wait. I ahd no idea what that meant or any of this meant til i got here. In germany. Probably the best book title i could ever think of would be “ The story of my Life: I didn’t think this through” or “ I moved abroad to find out I am a homebody who loves routines and schedules, but not Germany”. I hope my writers block passes quickly so i can again begin to write about this experience. As i just skimmed this for errors that i NEEDED- im like not into editing stream of consciousness. But below is something that makes me proud, weep and want to run! Im now the person…due to my current circumstance. I ask AI a lot of questions, couldnt do this with out claude. That topic…cant even begin to face or unpack.

    There’s one real tell: “so I can again begin to write.” Native speakers almost never park “again” between the modal and the verb — they’d put it at the end: “so I can start writing about this again.” That mid-position placement is a direct carryover from languages where the adverb naturally sits there — German wieder, Dutch weer, and similarly in Russian or Polish. “…damit ich wieder anfangen kann, darüber zu schreiben” maps almost word-for-word onto what was written.

    “Begin to write” rather than “start writing” reinforces it slightly. It’s not wrong, just stiffer than the default, and speakers whose L1 has a cognate for begin tend to reach for it.

    The things that look like errors mostly aren’t diagnostic: the missing apostrophe in “writers block” and the lowercase “i” are ordinary casual-typing habits that native speakers produce constantly. And “writer’s block passes” is idiomatic.

    So: suggestive, not conclusive. One sentence is thin evidence, and a native speaker in a formal or slightly self-conscious register could produce this. If you have more of their writing, adverb placement and article use are the two places to look — those stay non-native far longer than vocabulary does.

    Want to be notified when Claude responds?

  • Is Fu^k off a valid answer. ( to a fucked up question)

    I hate when people ask me if i plan to stay in Germany. I never planned to come here. I feel like replying “ Do you plan to stay where you are LIVING or not?” Do you plan on your marriage lasting? Do you plan to just keep your every day the way it is now? I mean i get it- germany is a weird country for ME…most people who WOULDN’T ask me that question know me enough that if i said fuck off- thats actually- youre getting all of me. Its the general population i have to worry about with the answer.  I can assure anyone I do not plan to stay in germany and look forward to leaving quite a lot actually! Perhaps it would be relevant to also say …but I’m a pisces sun, cancer rising and capricorn moon, I was a trainwreck highschool drop out as a kid, and really pulled myself up by my bootstraps- no idea how really. I grew up in fucking palo alto where everyone thinks they are stephen hawkings or mark zuckerberg so I basically feel like because i don’t have an ivy league degree, and aura watch and know every acronym in the book with a fucked up cervical spine- i could lose everything at any moment and am always feeling like i should leave where I am. I saw my first homeless person when I was like six and asked my dad how could this happen- to which he replied “credit card debt.”So …like I always think I should be fleeing to higher ground. So that particular question especially with me- is not really going to get you any kind of valuable information. I love to laugh, think details are not as important as the big picture – so Germany…can feel a little stifling adn I laugh when i tell people who KNOW me where i live…cuz like…im rigid in someways, punctual and like efficient. So ….by US standard…german- but its the sarcastic sense of humor…and you really have to check that at the border here- little mr acker laughed when i told him germany- because he knows i find literal people trying to laugh hysterical. I love watching these germans live life…when things don’t work – when humor presents itself- when i make myself laugh and tears fall down my face and they stare. 

    That all said- I can barely scrape by with the language, i have friends, i love my jobs…..its home too now and i can not imagine leaving here. Not now. But staying…is also complicated. In the past week- my friend here died. I’ve actually felt several losses here- this being huge. Gabriel was part of my life here and he is gone. Then my cherished soul sister got diagnosed satge 4 lung cancer, my dad went in the hospital. My beloved uncle has alzheimers. And i am so far–too far away. I panic when i think of how far i am from everyone I love. And i figure out how to live with that panic….because it doesnt make sense to leave—but – i said to myself when everything starts NEEDING to make sense to you- you have to run. So no I won’t be staying- but i wont be leaving either. Living outside your country requires you to basically let everything go. I’ve eaten dairy- and i fucking cant get the images of dairy farms out of my mind for days. I dont say things or ask questions sometimes because i don’t know how. I don’t have history here. I cant always understand what im buying so i waste money. I feel like a burden with my california eating habits. Everyday as an expat (not that i am one) fucking crushes you and builds you up in ways you can’t explain. When someone asks me if I plan to stay in germany I say I have no idea…for now…sure…until my visa for north korea gets processed….its home now..and it kind of…is….which is a heartbreak and a wonder.…..So while answering this question feels harder than learning a 4 case language – I also know: I can let go of everything I know and start over, anywhere! live with kalk encrusted hair- no really- I hate my hair almost everyday…thats grates on a person. I know I can probably learn most languages enough to get by. I can deal with sadness, lonliness and the joy of life. I know I am from the greatest country on the planet- but I also am so glad to ….wake up from our geographical ignorance. I love most of my days- and the challenge of taking care of myself in this strange situation i find myself in . I love all the people, the conversations, learning a new language- being american, not sharing a continent with trump…I enjoy the european pace – of course at enjoy it at my american tempo:)

  • I’m not an expat.

    Sometimes I wonder if I’m “normal”…too negative? Too..? something. I never questioned myself like this in the states and its not a bad thing. But its a thing. I have tremendous respect for expats. I never wanted to move abroad- I tend to get pretty contentedly immersed in my day to day. I was also a homeowner in a city I loved…love? For 13 years. I owned my home- which is a joy adn also a large noose around your neck that can tighten at any time, serving you a reminder that stability is a fallacy you basically have to cling to to get out of bed in the morning. I’d say I am a fairly health food loving, loose with the details, go with the flow california girl. Living in Germany- not Berlin. Stuttgart. I am so out of place- but because of the west coast go with the flow I also fit right in anywhere…try to explain that to a german! 

    I  I have tremendous respect for expats- I don’t think of myself as one because I am not planning to stay here. Nor am I planning to leave. As someone who is fairly used to living by the beach, driving to and from a job I loved.. Never dreaming or longing to leave this is a weird reality to find myself in.

    If I were to move back to the USA at this point- yes it would be like moving home in a way. But also- I don’t have a job there. I have a remote job based in the US..but most of us live outside the US. I have a job here. I dont own furniture in either place. All my books, art and cookware are in boxes at my mom’s house. I have a car there. But i dont actually have an address. Or a place to call my own. Or any day to day life that I have here. Here I meet so many new people, new cultures and new experiences. I see what looks like fairytale houses and streets adn the slower pace of european life. Which is so nice. And I can’t imagine the hustle culture of the us again. But i am a product of that and its actually more stimulating to me…is that bad? The hardworking hustle factor is a double edge, but i like that I can deal with it. Because europe can feel a little lazy…and actually intellectually understimulating…missing an emotional depth ever present to a toxic level in the US. Its nice to get older in a culture where not everyone is bio-hacking, popping ozempic and having an extra kilo on you or a wrinkle is ok. That said- the food reflects not giving a fuck about your health, same with sitting in cigarette smoke. I miss my healthy lifestyle…in a more socialist society (it feels) I crave being able to say..hold the salt…hey can we move inside where we wont be inhaling all this smoke or…i need some quiet time to process without the scoff “of oh these vain americans”. I care deeply about my body – how I feel which naturally extends to how I look, present and act in the world. When I go full on german- I froth at the mouth from sodium overload, look pregnant nad feel the sulfites and preservative on my tongue. Im from SF yo. We dont do that shit. I love eating a small lunch while working at my computer- not a thanksgiving sized lunch that looks like turkey and giblets. German food all looks similar- and it also sort of reminds me of my cats favorite flavor from fancy feast. I lik egrabbing a cup of coffee and browsing the bookstore with it. I can multi-task, i can enjoy life at my speed. Im from a country who celebrates independence. Here they have this thing called solidarity- even a tax for it:) Both are good- I can do both, but what I hate doing is hearing I race through life while europeans enjoy it. I mean they feel superior to me, i feel superior to them so I have to laugh because- even writing this is self righteous. Germany is a country of immigrants- they have done so much to make up and atone for WW2….which was bad- but so many bad actors in the world- they just documented up. Meticulously. To give us something to judge and condemn, where as I think they may have the healthiest relationship to humanity, even though it feels like they dont have emotions! They have endless bureaucracy- still, even after Nuremberg. God the bureaucracy is a soul killing part of my existence here. I am sure its the same in the usa but maybe the attitude…or like the fact that a question wont result in being detailed to death.

    The thing is- my american friends can’t really understand what I am experiencing- or say well don’t judge …or if it sucks come home. I am home actually. Thats the tricky part. Most people who have “lived abroad” had a clear path home, and HR dept who arranged their move. The have a property in their home country.  I jumped. I left everything. And yeah, i definitely have ego around that. I dont know anyone that could put up with the shit I do here- Im saying I can’t think of anyone-not NO ONE in the superlative sense. And that scares me. Am I compromising too much? I hate some parts of my life and day…but I guess…Im not in that world of “ boundaries””take care of yourself” etc…the american spirit I guess of to thine SELF be true in a way. Its a lonely feeling, but I wouldnt give this experience back for a million dollars. The expats I meet- like me….who could …in theory go home..but have lives, dentist appoints etc here.. Never say the stupid things people say. Because until you are in a situation , you just dont know. Maybe thats why I am here- because i know- both in good and bad ways, we have no idea- we are all capable to be hitler or mother theresa, no matter what you think. I learned that in Utah and maybe its why Im free. And very lonely. Very content, happy and fulfilled. All of it. I think its too scary for most people- the only way you can be free is to let go of yourself. In the ways that life asks. Today I am teaching what will be one of the last classes to a turkish couple I will never forget- he asked me if I had ever lived abroad. I said no- he said…its a whole “thing” and no one has ever really acknowledged that to be – before that. Not many people can. Now I can and I just endlessly miss my dog. And my nature and so much about my USA life. Im a product of the world that fetishesizes “other” and like yeah, the croissant and coffee with the eiffel tower pic…. I feel guilty bitching about europe because ot that, but no one sees the paperwork in the background. Also the coffee is not hot here. I long for the USA but also- i dont live there anymore, but I belong there. And I know if I really wanted to go back – I would instantly- talk about feeling torn. Ich kann nicht mein herz verstehen, aber alles in zeit wird sinn machen. I ate lunch while typing this and it was fantasic. AMerica I love you. But also- waiting you out…my last thought is about the movie Supersize me —the american way eh- but it doesnt seem to be working…how long can he possibly live on that shit???was the movie a lie?????????/ The worst part of all this is I know the sense of belonging I feel in the USA is formed by hindsight and the lens of our perception is a border that is very hard to cross and once you do there isnt a way back.

  • love, laurel and korbel

    Dear korbel

    Today i saw someone at a restaurant for the second time…just a random person. He looks similar to darcy’s dad…and he makes me sad, so i naturally felt sad seeing him last time and i must have sort of stared, which he must have picked up on because he stared back today when I saw him again. And as i sat down to eat, i had the thought “i am so profoundly lonely i can’t stand it. “ I thought about it, like times i didnt feel lonely, or noticed the thought arise that in a few hours people on the west coast will be awake but honestly, the only person i could think of that would make me feel less lonely was you. I know you were never a person, but to me you were…not a person but perhaps the most solid companion, partner, child ..and challenge ive ever known. I miss you everyday, but some days its more than i can bear and i want to break down crying, but I fear id never stop. I only cried once after you died- like really cried. Because 2 days after you left i moved to germany. My entire world changed and you felt so far away. The panic and terror i felt at never seeing you again was all consuming and also so very distant. I have your paw print. I think about our final walk and how much you were limping, but how long we spent. I knew for weeks …months you were leaving. For many reasons. Your health- and your temperment….big k it was so bad at the vet- i do not miss living in fear for your health. But i miss taking care of you and i miss the way we got through every single DRAMATIC vet visit. I think back to our last weeks and months together. When we were living at my mom’s. Remember how you were in the closet scared, hiding the first few days…and then you bounced back the way you did. I felt so guilty korbel, for ending your life early, but it never would have been clear for your end. I know that. You were suffering and yet it wasnt your time. I picked a date for you to go and for me to move. I dont know if i will ever …..i don’t like the word forgive because i actually dont have regrets…..I could definitely have waited, but then….you were limping and if something had happened with your skin or ears, or your stomach, your kidneys…., i had to make choices to keep you comfortable and they made you antibiotic resistant. I knew about how to dose you from the ron debacle. We couldnt walk into the ER without you turning into Korhell and you had so many problems….but go I loved helping you. ..I ended your life because….mine had ended the day i had the meeting with Mckinley and steph at Ground Floor. It was July 17th. I left that meeting barely able to breathe and all i could think was in 3 hours I would be with you. And that. I had to go. You were the last thing really holding me in sf. I hate how it ended but i also look back on the entirety of our relationship and how much you pushed me. I never knew a pet could be so difficult:) but we made it through and we got into a rhythm…me and you. And it could only be us two. So we both left and i know i did right by you. Korbel, i was so scared when i got here. I thought of you in the bathroom and realized how scared you must have been- i felt bad for all the times i got frustrated. I miss our time on the couch, it was sad when you stopped sitting in my lap every night but i also know …your angst that i would leave started to dim so you trusted me enough not to sit on me. I miss our quiet companionship more than words can begin to describe…i dont have a dog and i cant imagine having one now- because you were so special…my mystical sea slug. You ate a door to get to me. Darcy’s dad immediately called that i had in a way been proud of you for the determination you approached the task of eating a door you thought stood between us with. The man at the italian restaurant was not darcy’s dad but conjured up the feeling of my old life enough to make me see my loneliness. Its weird korbel. I love my life here in germany in a lot of ways, but i also miss myself. Its hard. Being different. Today i wore flip flops because its 60 degrees and all the neighbors asked why i wasnt wearing socks? Its february…wow…i get so sick of this shit sometimes. But i think of you the 88 pound pit- you couldnt walk down the street with anonymity either. Im so tired today korbel- i feel as exhausted as you. Im sorry for all the times i didnt play with you. I just thought about bruno and how many things i wish i could apologize to him for. i miss him so much i cant get into that- thats why you get the next pet…so you dont end u plike me. now, Its funny, maybe its expat life but i see my loneliness right outside of me but i have to ignore it because you are gone and i am too in a way. Now i have to go teach- which im excited to do! It makes me feel better- i take the train, around people…im in another country. Today at lunch i wanted to ask for the soup as a full portion lunch but…like i said im tired so i couldnt figure out how to say it. So i just had small soup and salad. Sometimes i want to say things but cant figure out how. I understand most german though…even when i am tired which is weird. I know you would be as proud of me as i am of you. I work with your friends kino and tim- remember when we helped you that weekend. Kino came back for me the way i did for you. Anyways, i have to go because i really have to catch the train. Weds night i teach in english but had 3 random students last week- 2 spoke only german and 1 both…so i had to pivot and teach in german…..a class. Which i normally don’t …wont do…i did ok. But thats my expat life- i had so looked forward to that class last week and its clearly labeled ..”english”…but thats my life in germany- those disappointments that follow any expectation. I dont know who i am sometimes, but then i stumble across an american and i see who i am now. I feel like something is missing since you left. I have to go now. Think i stuffed it deep enough. sometimes i remember our best walk ever…remember when we were on the great highway and that girl from the coffee shop came up and said we looked alike….like we matched and we just looked at each other. that was the best day ever. i do think we look alike. panic in babylon

    Love, 

    Laurel and korbel

  • Wir die leute, del mundo

    Hindsight is the most beautiful frame and perhaps the singlemost greatest key for me to remain present and I currently live on a different continent than my history, and history is the only road paved to today.  Ive never been one to think much about the future which is really hard, living in Germany, a culture of planning. Plans- if truly thought about make me laugh- because plans??!! NOT one thing on my most important things for my next chapter list,- as close to a plan as i want to make –  is in my life now- not one. I would never have planned to move somewhere that stereotypically is everything i avoid. It just happened. That’s a great answer to give here:)  germans are know for their structure…..It strangles me, amuses me, makes me feel superior and yet I have come to deeply appreciate the way in which a German kitchen functions, every detail planned to facilitate easy use and cleaning- it does make a difference. But. Then if you use it- you have to restore it to order.  Some days I want to ask a German – what will happen if you leave a dish on the counter? What will happen if you dont dry your shower?…Like really what will happen. I would say Im a moderat in level of stress I creat to maintain order, and our society does favor those that are ordentlich. So…sometimes i feel like Gregor, who I have a new opinion on . Perhaps Kafka was writing about what it feels like to wake up surrounded by a different culture. I feel so different from people here- and I crave the invisibility that can come . In india, ahimsa prevents many leaute from killing bugs, so a bug on the kitchen counter would perhaps be allowed a break from buzzing around waiting to die. I guess this migration of mine makes me reflect differently on things, how different parts of the world shape and change reality. And until you migrate- in a human body, you just can’t know, feel or have any idea what its like. To untether, to  move, to let go, to assimilate, to be the odd one out by language, behavior, tradition. Being untethered is different from being free. 

     Birds migrate for better conditions for the seasonal periods. Migrations are usually embarked on by a subtle force.

    Mine started on a hill in Baltimore, filled with dread. Absolute panic at a total migration I could feel descending over me. Talking to a friend I would see when I arrived home.  We’d walk our dogs and enjoy the warmth of friendship the day after standing on a hill, speaking on a telephone, through emotion in my throat, the kind that feels like its choking you with the need to cry, and in that moment you are sure of nothing else but that THIS time if the tears come they will never stop. Baltimore would have been a better “plan”, but I just could face the truth yet.

    On the way to the airport- my mom and I went to see an exhibit called- “Migrations”. It was edgy. Music, the sensation of being in a white room. Minimal. Focused on black culture- jesus. I miss black culture. Even though in the US we are racist motherfuckers-  we have black culture- whatever that is or isnt and Im fucking white so what do I know-  We have black people here …but no black culture. At least not that is presented in the usa, so maybe that which we see in the USA is problematic- which I suppose everything is as we change the lens. That’s what this fucked up migration im on has done to me, shattered the lens which had my world in focus. Now everything is out of focus, because we aren’t birds. The mixed media exhibition was mostly film-flickery and black and white. Not by accident. Flickery is when pieces of one’s history are on another continent. When you migrate so far from home -the lenses in which you are viewed are so different, you are alone, behind a wall more powerful than any government can build. Because until you leave everything you know- you can’t. Because now I see you can’t make america great- because it was already king. Switzerland started identity politics and with so many decisions to make in expat life, North Korea has some advantages- you literal dont think or you die.  Netrality is an act of war, and identity politics defined. Trade is life. Pathogens are the one thing we will always share.  Leaving one’s country is the fastest way to patriotism even if you rejoice in being away from said land- to run from that that created you and celebrate that is a form of worhip/ . Europe has universal health care- but there are days I feel panic at the fact if I leave my house I HAVE to be surrounded by cigarette smoke. I hate it- universal health care comes from within. Your country is the  thing that’s formed you, but until we leave we dont know. Standing on that hill in Baltimore, I can remember my feet planted in America, what that felt like and how great it was- though at that moment I didnt notice.  Now I get chilled at the memory of that exibit …the feeling of lightheadedness .At the time I blamed my head cold, now I suspect it was something stranger…..memory flowing in the wrong direction. That which marks the point of my migration but I didnt know it, my body remembering the future. And maybe the world is much bigger than we are meant to handle. we dont need to build walls because the ones you cant see are the most powerful walls that contain us. The US government is so powerful do they really expect us to believe a man on his knees can be such a threat. “On your knees”…how many movies does this line indicate death, rape , being completely dominated. Yet the army the powerful US president ( rapidly losing power but he doesnt know it)built up to get “them” out cant handle a man face down on the ground without shooting. Fucking bitch. Such a satisfying thing to say- even after you shoot someone, you have to throw that in- proof that real power comes from words. Fucking bitch, even the bullets paled to those words. Everytime is a weird, dire time to be alive, when my father was a kid they worried about the ice ages, just all of the sudden freezing the world out. Now democrats make paper signs and march in the street to protest climate change. And republicans seem to not understand trade or decency..worse they do but ignore it.  To disagree is ok, but to cut off thy neighbor is insane. I think Carl Jung once said something to the effect that once the collective is so sick, everyone must work on themselves to heal the world. I try more than ever to remember that. I have a friend who sees the world very differently- not close- but someone who has helped me when I was down, on my knees. To love him now is something that is hard, but its impossible not to, because nothing can really define us in a world where everything defines us. Migration is weird- my entire history took place on a different continent, in a different culture. Sometimes I worry that I’ll never recover from the decision to migrate, because it breaks and builds a soul. I used to go home at the end of every day and I loved it. I havent had the feeling of going home in over a year now. In January of 2023, I saw that exhibit, and in November of 2024 I migrated. Now Im a foreigner, one of the “people pouring across the border” and no wall any government could possibly construct could ever have the solid construct needed to keep someone out, because the most powerful walls arise when you get in.Surrounded by we the people, and we the people become those you love.

  • Sheepism

    When I was a kid – if I ever was a kid, I wanted to be a writer. A few weeks ago- like 100 years later, I said to myself, well that never would have worked, you are a fucking recluse. An old boyfriend used to call me a fucking recluse and I would always argue. Europe has confirmed, I am in fact a fucking recluse. Probably antisocial and possible recklessly loose with details, a fucking total slob that leaves her shower wet, and can’t maintain order. But as it pertains to writing, writers either hide everything they are from the world by words and use the page as a shield. OR you let people really see you- actually probably both. And i don’t like to be seen by other people.Jesus christ here everyone tells you every detail about everything and everyone else but say NOTHING. I love to irish exit, I hate leaving the house, and like to be able to ask for no salt on my dinner without involving the entire restaurant. No joke. I ordered a mushroom omelet with no salt and somehow everyone in the restaurant got involved and i let my face fall into the german stare…but because I am in germany it didnt have the effect it would have had at LSY. Every single person in the restaurant looked at me or commented because what if the order was mixed up with another person who wanted salt.. Rising food prices dont effect germany because germans eat salt with only a little food mixed it. With a dark sauce and wonder why their aging population suffers. If you want to sneak out of an event early forget it, it will take an hour, invlove a long explanation and a lot of details. But its stupid little shit- no one ever just asks “what book changed your life?” Whats going on with you?” Someone important I met here- used to say :” You are a stranger among friends and I friend among strangers” which may in fact sum it up.While I was living my life, there was a little embryo running around Kiev. Life put us on the same continent and its endlessly curious to me what would have happened if we hadnt met, in this life. I’m just jaded and cynical enough to distrust him or I am possibly a narcissist and think what everyone thinks. Im unique and misunderstood.. I miss the anonymity of my old life. More than a lot. This is my 3rd new year in Germany- 2nd as a resident. It used to be my favorite holiday. Work, nature, workout, home on the couch with the dog and a good show by 6 or 7. In bed whenever. I just do what I feel , always, just whatever flows through me and is honest. I dont like to be told I must stay up to midnight. I don’t want anything to do with group mentality. Europeans exhaust me with the need to celebrate and sit around like slugs to enjoy life. Its like my dad says- we enjoy life, but at a different pace, which made me realize europeans prize themselves on the slower pace adn I hate THAT because I just move at whatever speed i do. The weight missing my community, my job, surroundings, friends, food, casual, casual, lackadaisical and loose life hangs on me like a noose these days. I hear the talking heads song in my head constantly, but I think David Byrne’s frage :”and you may ask yourself how did i get here?” was a little more peppy than mine this exact week.  I walked away from everything- including the power of choice of how I live my life to an extent. I was thinking about writing about that, this experience-  which would of course expose my own vulnerabilities and so I laughed and decided that was why I didnt become a writer. That and I was really busy doing other stuff. Then I realized I actually tell people casually that I was in fact in some like teen torture facility where they used us for medical experiments, so I may in fact be rather open, i talk about a book that changed my life and why, mental health. I don’t have time for all this other shit…like what the news, media  and world is shoving down our throat- including holidays. We are all idiots- I miss saying it and being around people that know it too. as my beloved daughter Kayla said to me once “ seems like you know a lot of idiots, assholes and retards…Im glad you think im an idiot. I love you too”. Germans are too literal and sarcasm, my humor doesnt translate. D.A. knows that makes me laugh. When people take life seriously- which makes germany both highly entertaining adn lonely for me/ I don’t use the word retard any more. Once I bought a bulldog, so yeah, fuck me…idiot and asshole…and imbecile… which is what i meant by the R word. But I’m from somewhere weird where anything goes and now I live in Stuttagart germany. I’ve always seen people as sea kelp, floating back and forth just going with the flow man. Germans are like sea kelp moving, as are all human beings but only the very tip top and the middle, its like they are based in cement, which …well imagine sea kelp as cement.. Sway. I would say that sums up SF except for the radical left that fucked up everything…very rigid. I do not think people here sway. Yesterday, as I sat in a ball before bed, I thought, I miss feeling really seen. I want to go to the beach and be alone. I felt really sorry for myself. Then I got into bed and realized I said the exact opposite of what i’d said in my last wave of self pity the week before.I said to myself, out loud “ You miss being seen, you hate exposing yourself and being seing, go to fucking sleep , fuck everything”. Basically California is NOT america, its its own country and SF is an asylum. I miss my asylum. More than anything I wish I was in my house, with my dog, next to the beach alone. Why did i sell?? The last week I have asked myself that over and over. But I also know why, I mean i don’t, but I will and do…. what I did made sense but makes no sense.{ Roland actually just asked “ Is it not too hot? How can you drink it?” about some tea he just made me because I am sick. To which I responded “i can, Im american and we have to be hearty to pay for your military, defending and paying for everything, living with wet showers and loose plans. Americans are more hearty that eskimos on the arctic tundra. We drink hot coffee our of fucking buckets while saying whatever the fuck we want…talking about feelings, letting people be themselves, stand on a corner naked and screaming. We leave our showers wet…..so to surmise:Its not too hot, its tea, its supposed to be hot”. I am launching a course “how to decipher sarcasm, how to handle and identify humor and ways to cope with laughter” so he is equipped to handle mild outbursts. I threw “surmise” in cuz I am a bitch.So on this New Years- I wish I was back at LSY doing my thing, with my dog alone. And it’s knawing at me, but I am not and I can’t. I dont feel sad about it- its a bigger feeling than that. Because all joking aside- I can’t go back to just being an american. We will never understand how the world outside us works, but I am beginning to see it and I cant imagine to leave europe now.. There are people on this continent that keep me here. All of them I resisted at first- usually when I bond for life with someone, there is an initial disgust, distrust and annoyance which i forget everytime. Amanda- one of the most inclusive, down to earth people to own a fitness business that thrives who has endlessly supported me, said something wise to me…” even if you go back, you’re not one of them anymore” about people who migrate and go back. And she is one thousand percent right. There are just people here I can’t say goodbye to. Friends, clients….But this is also extremely challenging and sometimes I wonder when the fuck I will get to recharge my own battery. I feel so settled and so unsettled. A wise friend once said to me you play the hand you’re dealt” and that’s what i did but I didn’t think it through. I was too busy overthinking. I ran a yoga studio- and everyone there is letting go, surrendering and all the shit that comes along with that universe. So i thought I understood what those terms meant, but it turned out haha, I didnt. This is that. But…I’ve never been like everybody else.My life has never fit the mold- much as I fit everywhere in some strange way…. I didn’t like to say that before…Paris Hilton actually changed my mind about that. The teen torture center, she was at the one I was….thank god it happened to someone rich because she got them all shut the fuck down- Thanks to Mitt Romney- bless him. Most people that went through there are dead, on drugs or insane. Because …well torture will do that to you. So my life has always felt a little unconventional…so this just feels normal in one way but is breaking me in another. I don’t think I thought through what it would be like to lose my anonymity, what is granted to us when we live our lives among those we live our lives next to, who are used to us. I didn’t think about how difficult I can be to understand, how free i used to be. But then on the other hand- I have no living thing depending on me, no house..nothing really holding me down so in some ways I am free. I feel like i’m suffering now, mostly because I can’t watch netflix with my dog. Next to the beach alone. My life feels more complicated than I can bear. Another ex, who knew me, deeply would laugh if he heard me say that. he once said I was the smartest person in any given room and the strongest person he ever knew. Which was a lot. First off, he thought he was smarter than anyone so maybe he meant a room he wasnt in..but still…and he was fundamentally opposed to compliments, kindness and laughter. He was in fact not german ( but i sure am drawn to SOUR….) . I hate him for how it ended but I wouldnt be doing any of this if he hadn’t said that. Anyways, life is complicated and I just want to go home. But I can’t and I know that. It just hasnt broken my heart til now. It’s 6pm and I am expected to stay up til midnight. And its that that I hate- anything that cuts off the flow, like an imposed holiday. SF forever. But for now, Europe. Another thought I had was it could be interesting to run for chancellor. Simplify the language a bit, give the beavers a break and digitize, take away the salt and seed oil, maybe offer my course on keeping it light, stop wasting time worrying abou tif people can tell the difference between plant based meat and meat. Cancel all the holidays. Build a wall instead of a gasline and bring in the pitbulls to lead the way.love is always the answer, resiliency is never a question. Why must we always muzzle that?

    And i guess when in Europe- NYE…rich in tradition. so go with it…like i do everything it seems these days!

  • Жизнь — странная штука

    Something I rarely think anymore is “I am so far from home”. I guess what I am doing feels like familiar? Right ? Or some switch in me has flipped, like all of this…this whole era has been so over the top, i no longer think about things in a way I recognize. But I feel it – especially the last like 4 hours of the flight home:…no more in the emotional sense- …however…even feeling that not often these days. I am far from where I started, but it’s grown to feel normal for now, good for now. Ive heard living in a foreign country grants you a whole second persona. I’ve grown used to many hearing many languages and not speaking the most common one in any given situation. Im also trained enough in language i would say to sort of get the gist…I mean being from CA, Spanish….i can understand a little, but my ability to speak , limited as it was , has gone completely and my reaction to hearing any language other than english is to respond in German. My life feels familiar though. Maybe that has always been the case- from being in a rehab in Utah in my teens that also used us as experiments in drug trials and used physical, and emotional torture tactics on us, to my really successful career, to being a pawrent to multiple celestial beings. I dont think I would have moved to Germany, had I not possessed the knowledge of my ability to just dive into any circumstance and just live. Like Keith Richards says “It’s just great to be anywhere.”

    But I DO wonder how this happened. Like how have I gotten here, a person who loves speaking with people to arrive in a place of …I love it in the USA when I can understand everything,and its fantastic…but it doesnt feel like a strong preference. Being an American is weird- because we are so big, so powerful- and we are trailblazers. WE DO IT- wild and crazy….we give it all- tech, weapons, advice, entertainment. Anyone can rise to power, you can say whatever you want – except around the fringe left. Its both fantastic and absolutely awful. Its just geography at a point- we lack exposure- lucky for the rest of the world as we want to started wanting to build walls with countries and we all build walls with each other now too. Where do you stand on Ukraine became relevant to ask at some point, oh, you are pro palestine..? Are you antisemitic…no…i just hate whats going on on both sides in its entirety. And ATROCITY happens everyday, everywhere, but we fixate on world war 2 because its easy. Documents do that. We have a day to celebrate our undocumented massacre. My ukrainian friend proposed to his russian fiance, borders are too close to cancel each other here. People can tolerate more here. That doesnt make everyone tolerant- its just geography.

    I find my love of language increasing. I think german is complicated but germans think complicated is not bad. NOT BAD is basically fantastic. When people say my class wasnt too bad…it stings but not anymore…when i teach someone a private and they stare, no smile and just say Tschuss and walk out,  I no longer assume I will never see them again. Well I do but thats in my american compartment. Ive stopped wanting to stop sessions with clients and offer a refund 20 minutes in based on facial expressions and demeanor. I judge everything through my american lens, english is king- and people recognize my language. But I also know, connecting with people in any language is not so hard. Probably easier now, because this experience has been ego smashing, identity pushing and soul expanding. The practice of yoga asks us to engage in self study- which is great- except the examiner is full of their own thoughts and opinions, Switzerland is just a concept? Lofty goal? bullshit:) …It asks us to let go. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve let go of two much, but I can’t imagine to get it all back. Its weird to feel foreign to yourself, and I do and don’t. I can’t imagine to have NOT done this, to not be here, surrounded by love. Ive been so lucky here, but it demands a lot. I noticed last time I was in CA, my driving is different, lack of use. I hate driving in Germany. Partly- it’s a mercedes and I prefer a lower end car i could be ok totaling:) But also- I am terrified of the German police, I jaywalk rarely because I am afraid. Things are so exact, rules etc…Driving in Spain feels much easier, so I also had fun driving home last night- it was so enjoyable. I got to hug a donkey in Amsterdam last week. Losing everything is a good starting point. Such a position of privilege to say that.Maybe better to say smash yourself? Check yourself than wreck yourself?

  • It feels like north korea

    There’s this hallway that has become familiar to me the past few years, anywhere in the world I am, I walk down it a few mornings a month. Tuesday night I went to bed exhausted and decided to set my alarm for 20 minutes later than I needed to to get to language class the next morning, and if I was late so be it..that extra 20 minutes of sleep would have that dramatic effect upon my mind. Which sounds like a simple decision,of course,but what lurks beyond our simple decisions is never lost on me. My life is too busy-to fill an emptiness of course. And lately, the feeling of submission, the need to cave has washed over me. Submission to the german language, to being an american. The feeling Ive let myself feel about americans- we don’t tend to adapt, learn languages..why should we? The subtle american mindset, the widespread english peppered on every continent. Our greatness can be isolating. And we are great ironically, if only in a sense of world order. Home is where the dog is and Ive put myself in a pawless situation. The SF data laws call for 8 hours of sleep to function top notch- I live by that- but the adjustment in my alarm clock likely masks a deeper need I wish to ignore. In the midst of a dream underway, a clock appeared, with the feeling of needing to make a decision about being on time to class. Was I going to get up, set it…why wasn’t it going off, as it should have been set for THIS moment? I became aware that I was lucid dreaming, that it was likely the time I “should have” set it to be on time to class. It was 6:36 exactly- the time it needed to go off. I laid there for 20 minutes more waiting for it to go off. Walking down the hallway to consciousness. With the pain? Weight?All the information we can receive in our dreams if we are open. That I needed to face this, whatever it is.Dream is such a loaded word. Make your dreams come true- chase your dreams, that was totally dreamlike (therefore unrealiastic) Chasing a dream …that one makes me laugh. Chasing consciousness is double edged.  Dreams hold an absolute honesty that pave the way to the reality I operate within. They inform me of everything real in the world.  My relationship to and with my dreams is the most satisfying and intimate relationship I have in my life and likely ever will (now that Korbel is dead anyhow. God he was amazing)

     Anyhow- the hallway from total dream to awake showed up yesterday the space where the weight of the dream and the most beautiful and inconvenient truths are laid bare on my back. I dont’ often get quiet mornings to myself, which I crave.I find the interference of other people’s energy to be disconcerting in the morning, so I savor the mornings I get this phenomennam of coming to. I dont often share so much about this, we are often quiet about the things that matter most to us. For reasons we avoid topics of such depths, a perfect mirror taking place of where our eyes sit. Perhaps why I have always loved animals- instinct cant be communicated with the spoken word. Especially in stuttgart germany- such an arrogant statement, but that’s my bitterness at aspects of my situation coming out, a longing for the comfort in projection. I also think people are lazy about seeing themselves, especially in the current climate which I am so sick of hearing. The current climate- such a blame game. I do believe the collective consciousness is a bit sick now and we all must do the individual work on ourselves to heal the world. How are you Trump-y..Afd-y. When we truly see ourselves we see- Trump is just a man, Hitler was just a man….Stalin too. And that sucks.Our waking mind loves to sort and organize information. Have clarity. Separate ourselves from monsters. Whatever WE deem that to be. Right now. The other morning I woke up wondering why no reporters really cover Trump’s brother. I pick him because I hate him in my waking state and of course that will show u pin my dreams to call me out and show me how I am him. I choose the example also because people have an opinion and I think he may be a well known divisive figure! HE is not divisive- WE are. We are his power.  I’m a sober alcoholic. All my opinions on this are colored by the fact I cant handle a drink. I have judgments around those that drink daily- but its pretty normal actually. This could be a topic of itself. Trump doesnt drink- not socially normal these days. He’s a Barbara- a just say no guy. Which makes me laugh- how great a life would be if we could just say no!  But what motivates this decision to abstain touches me deeply.  He talks about it rarely. I dont’ think the press or any of us really care to examine what makes trump human, and I think thats the real problem. With us.  I googled it (wake up and google) and saw an interview where Trump talked about it and how he doesnt drink because he lost his brother to alcoholism. His choice to abstain is his vulnerabilty. The waking me reviles at his policies and way of being in the world…but on the deepest level I know we are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. Most of what we say and do comes from such unconscious places in our mind…its hard for me to hold on to any of it these days. I’m as righteous and indignant as the next person- the human condition is just that and we are all idiots, hitlers, and mother Teresa’s. Our polarization is laziness. 

    As the thought of going or skipping german class wormed it’s way into my dream … (in the dream i felt deeply annoyed at being called to face something I dont feel able…wanting??? Of right now.) I have so much going on with a legal issue, work….language….desire to speak it.  Not to mention navigating the ache of missing a dog so much I can barely breathe, while also knowing I can’t even think about that, dealing with the holidays and impending social time with people i dont totally know. Or that don’t totally know me. So many external things- to blame for the external. AND! I’m at the point where my mind is blown at how complicated german seems to me and the amount of work to form a fucking sentence seems….well…very german. Germans are some of the nicest people, and they know its not the easiest thing to learn their language. Actually..(zwar?) There is a particular look of glee that passes over their face when they learn you are learning german.The light in their eyes as they tell you …ahh yes, its complicated…be patient. They have sympathy. (Because they know its unreasonable:)) Germans seem to love process, documentation, making process after process to simplify things and also create less work by implementing more rules and systems. The language feels reflective of that. The past few days I have felt like there is no way I will ever get this language and my overall comprehension has deteriorated. I question if i even understand the word THE. In english. To set my alarm for an extra 20 minutes of sleep and and allow myself to be 23 minutes late to the class was a way to deal with said feelings eh.. Of course the dream woke me up 20 minutes early with “hey…are you really going to let yourself be late”? Because- the reality is I have to learn this beast. I live here. Sort of. Not really but yes…and  I want to better teach my pilates students in German, I don’t want to be the american that caves and just uses english. Its rude and also keeps me..sick in the cycle i will never escape because I am american. Because the reality is…well there’s so much contained in that statement. We are fantastic- and big, and we produce. And the hustle and grind I need to do this is a product of my AMERICAN upbringing. But there is also a separation that comes with that. American’s tend to …stick to america or expat areas, and rely on the fact English is king. I dont’ want to do that because I am probably a liberal.:) figure that out! 

     I’m the only american in my class … .the only person who speaks only 1 language vs 2 minimum. I see people give up everyday- drift out and not come back…I see them at the train station months later … .telling me in broken german or english…they can’t. But they have other languages they can use…as do I but it feels different to me. 

    In the past week I would say, the language has dwarfed me. Learning German, being in a situation do far from my culture…from myself in a way…if I allow the moments to come together and I look up to the wave that breaks over my head, the salt water burning my throat, nose and lungs as it threatens to drown me.I burst back through to the surface most days eyes burning, body heaving with what the FUCK. What the fuck have I dont with my life? With myself. This language is so complicated- like its a fucking joke. That gets worse everyday.  If I zoom out to much, what I am doing makes no sense. I feel lost and exhausted. Homeless. Home is where the dog is. But when I zoom in, I see all the little pieces that paved the road here and , well here i am.

    The hallway to awake was screaming at me to wake up- and not for class but that…that I’m on my edge. Deep down I’m starting to give up, to succumb to what is there- always pulling us under- our unconscious mind. I don’t know how great I am at keeping that separate anymore – and from the outside- this doesnt actually make sense. Perhaps I had to move here, to stun myself with leaving all my entire life behind, to give up the power of choice in a way. All the little things fell into place to make this make sense, but it doesnt make this doable, but I have to do it. Because I am here. I woke up. I reached for a paw and there was none. I got up and had a day with some great parts and a few days later someone on the periphery but very important changed my feeling about the language. Maybe he will change my life but that will take a few more weeks to find out. 

     Last night I dreamed about a killer whale living in a swimming pool I had and the thrill of having an aimal close to me. Those of you who know me know how I feel about tillikum, so of course in my dream I was Sea World. But I noticed my whale’s spine beginning to show, the skin becoming dull and rough. I began in earnest to get a rescue to come get him to no avail. What an overwhelming situation- a killer whale in a swimming pool that i need to get back to the ocean. I have a prius, but it’s in america.

  • Chia, Hemp and Flax seeds

    Today I decided…there is really no other country I could reasonably state I am from and have it be believable. Maybe Canada…but the longer I live outside the US..I see that I don’t think I can pass as anything other than american. Every first day of a new Deutcsh Kurs, I dread telling people I am from America- this is bad enough…but if questioned further and I say California then it gets worse. The immediate response is…WARUM bist du hier?!. I usually say ich weiss nicht:) Which is a pretty california answer….and follow up it up with SF speak – this is the way the current guided mir. I am always the only american. Most people can agree we are a bit polarized at the moment in the USA…but I think we are more….on the same page than it may feel. We are all american and there is a certain something our country has achieved. …much…but let’s just say HOLLYWOOD. Movies,TV…film…it unites us. Everyone knows Simba. I am passionate about reading and insatiably curious about people and I can say with certainty( when someone speaks with certainty laugh at them and run) – stories unite us. Stories evoke emotions and when our emotions are stoked life becomes alive. Sadly, we also LOVE to stare a screens. Reels. And before reels, after dinosaurs were movies. So…america is sort of a big deal for that, but thats a reductive statement but that simply captures why I know america is a king. I have tremendous respect for my country. Even now, because electing the guy living in the white house- even that- oh america you are so BIG. And we invented the Kardashians by watching that shit. And now we wonder why….and also- go big or home home…so either colossal fuck up or the next frontier, politics happen.

    Anyhow- I get it when people say why are you here, but I never know why I am anywhere. I met my soul mate today. She kommt aus Pakistan. We both have our entire week geplannt. Down to the meal, the minute….but like life- no plan what- so- ever. SO I am here because of…love, my life blowing up, having no plan, a vague plan of running for emperor of maybe like half the countries we have on the planet so I should explore, i have family here….mostly I just say because i got on a plane. 

    I’m extremely concerned about the overcrowding of shelters in the USA now that all the pets are no longer being eaten…. the factory farming…RFK- but FUCK YEAH to everything he says about food. Maybe if the food werent poison we would get sick less and could stop testing on animals for drugs to fix putting flaming hot cheetos ( sorry my BELOVED T.R)in our piehole. But I don’t ever plan on having measles or polio- and I am so lucky for that so like gray area can be good. Sunkist (which has no place in RFK’s america…to…processed) once said he had a large brain….it may be. Its so huge it seems to have pushed itself out of the head completely. So there is a lot going on there. Now.

    Basically- I dread the moment someone from Palistina, Ukraine, Syria ask why I would leave america. It sort of breaks my heart actually – everywhere is fucked up, we are all idiots, there are many waste of space air-pirates in many countries, but america is pretty great. Healthcare is in fact not free here…..the treatment you can get for cancer is a better price, but the wait time can make it so you may need serious treatment or a casket…in america you can just file for bankruptcy or do a go fund me. I think of all the complaining we do about how messed up our country is…but most of the people complaining about it live on the continent. Except me..but I cant think of any complaints now that Prince George County LIFTED THE BAN ON PITBULLS! FUck yeah! But in EU…they restrict pit bulls …because they think they are deadly- which is ignorant. Its the people owning them….but they know they will be problems. And it’s hard for them to (legally) put animals with spines down and my beloved country with the go-go-go mentality can easily put down the 480,000 we do. We are so spoiled in America….we just have no idea…but i think its because of the movies- our ability to make stories come to life. Of course I am not actually from America – I’m from San Francisco.

    Once we get that question out of the way I love being back in class. I think differently about where I come from now…because we all come from somewhere…as different as the places are its all the same. Because really- what is breaking us while weaving us together…as the pull the internet has, the ability for reels to pull us in. And america is no longer king of stories. Stories are changing and evolving and we are all just scared because its easy…..Though, hen i watch reels I feel a little afraid, because…I do actully LOVE dog reels…andKnight and Aston aren’t reels to me but Jesus Christ in suede suits. But i dont’ actually want to consume content anymore…but I …do. I carry my kindle everywhere which helps but I watch dog reels a lot…too much. Oh yeah…and like…vegan reels. NOT that anyone who knows me would guess that. As far as AI…I wonder if I am a narcissist because I think CHAT gpt RUINS my writing…completely. And isnt AI telling us to fear AI? Then I think about an old co-worker who told me I wasn’t good at spelling and grammar…which to be honest sounded funny because…shouldn’t it have been Good at spelling and don’t Know grammar too well. 

    The last thing about these German classes is I realize I have more life behind me than ahead. Europeans are more matter of fact about these matters. But when I share my age, people say wow you seem MUCH younger. I think yeah, I am from SF…I fear seed oils, less than 8 hours of sleep, GMOS( which I must confess I dont have a firm handle on what this IS..are?), food additives, not taking 10k steps a day and like we don’t smoke. Then i realized this could be taken as a compliment…but NOW I realize…they are looking at me realizing….I was with the dinosaurs when movies came.

    And I am an asshole because I said to myself…shes pretty americanized…about someone I LOVE here and I thought what the fuck does that even mean. ….laurel….is that supposed to be a compliment? Like I am some king handing out compliments. ….I was in teh center of Hautbanhof and I stopped walking to say WTF to myself  and laugh. In germany. Yeah I don’t belong here but I love my little world here.

  • Am I “in” or “An” Den Usa?

    And there is a good chance it’s neither. I actually think its DEM USA. Which would mean I am IM deM USA, but i swear den sounds right…anyhow….I’m in the USA, the low level anxiety of being away from my country is gone. But now, I am away from home….in my home country. Well, actually I am in the Bay Area, which is a wonderful and stifling bubble located on? In? The continental.. “United” states of america. I never second guess my choice- and that i am right where I am supposed to be, I am not staying though:) I’m looking forward to being….back in my current life as much and  Ihave zero desire to leave here. And that as I understand it, is my new life, the burden of expat life. But I’m not an expat, I just have a weird life.  One I fit perfectly into, because thats what i do. Which is stereotypical american “make your way” “pave your own destiny”….I sort of take comfort in the fact I never really have a plan, I just sort of do my thing. I suppose that is a plan. And right now I am “here”and there is rarely much you can do about that. My european life feels very much like a pair of jeans you buy because you love them- the idea, the look…..but you can’t exactly confirm if they are comfortable or not. Which is actually possible. You know you will wear them- but you will always know you are wearing them. Which is not bad….but I am from SF were we wear yoga pants 90% of the time. Dinner is a meal not an eternity. americans I know who have sat through the eternity of a european dinner one knows the stages…”wow, this is lovely”…”ok…I’m having a euro-experience, how cool”….”wow… they just ordered more drinks?” “ok…mcdonalds has a point” ‘Like…I have a bedtime so…..these are a bit much for me. Prolonged human contact is jarring and yet.  I think about the emotionally rich conversations I have enjoyed with people here, all the time spent with people feels so rich and emotionally satisfying. Maybe euro dinners go on forever because they are not. But I really notice all these little differences here now. I love asking questions about people- I am so curious about all of you. I had a moment with my dad this trip about how asking questions here is usually a great thing to do, people like talking about themselves. Yet, he has no idea…. At lunch a few weeks ago, I asked a german whose last sentence stated they loved to read+ had been reading a lot lately, therefore opening a door to for me to walk through. I asked what their favorite book they had read and why was…the look on their face let me know, ..well the word probe is rarely a good thing. Better to talk about the parking spots they are building in whatever town. This particular person makes eyore look like hes having a manic episode so perhaps the wrong case study. I a way , in the grandiosity one must have to survive these situations I feel I am in….I think of myself as a cultural anthropologist…and i laugh at myself. I come from somewhere somewhat pretentious and I dropped out of school before high school, my last job did involve taking the trash out, I did not go to Harvard, so I was able to do that. ……so I can enjoy these moments of intellectual superiority. Moments like that in fact do not actually exist as it’s just my own thought…and I granted myself the superiority. The houses here are too big, Stanford is a cult, the dread culture is over the top, people are spoiled…but this is where I belong. I miss my schedule in Germany. I need to focus on work, I miss Roland, I miss my clients and friends….I miss too much from both places to unpack, so i better go pack my bag. It’s the constant motion that gets me.

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