Dear korbel,
I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt I called my mom in a panic- sobbing hysterically. I wanted to come home- I told her i was tired of being away from you, that I was missing your life- and I didnt want that. In my mind I saw the ocean from what felt like a huge castle mixed with open villa- looking out from a kitchen overlooking the ocean, like you see in those greek holiday ads. Inside I was screaming and shocked that I have left you. I woke up- i am not sure if realizing you were dead woke me up or i realized that as I opened my eyes. It was so real Korbel. The past few days I have been missing you like crazy. I would give anything- i ache for- a chill night with you in our cozy living room, or to read next to you. Or one of our walks. I miss you so much I can hardley feel. To be honest- its more than I can bear right now. How much I wish I had laid next to you the hours before you dies- i sat there an massaged you, but i would give anything to feel you curled up next to me again.
I moved Korbel- to germany, I told you about that. I moved within Germany, and it’s bringing up so many feelings. I am so homesick- for you, for my solitude. I have sort of the same life here, ohne you and solitude- two things I feel lost without. Lost. Unanchored. Lonely and without you. I’ve done so much- and I have such a wonderful life- since you left Korbel- I have had a wonderful series of events, experiences and I savor every minute of it. But also, you know me- I was happy just staying home with you- going for my walks, our walks, just being. Im never alone here and when I am its such a relief and its over too fast. I love living in Europe- I dont let myself think it or feel it but I want to come home so badly that I just dont go there. I also don’t have one. I have not felt truly comfortable since I loved out of there- but I am making do. I am just doing it. Somehow I am still moving forward, and i d…love my life here and this chapter, but I always feels like I am one step ahead of the black hole- and if…when…if i look back or forward I will fall in. I am sure you are not surprised to know- expat life is not…totally for me. However, I am doing it and feeling all over the place- I guess not much has changed. I am without a dog and its not ok but i also have not even begun to come up for air. I feel like I have nothing to say I am out on such a ….lone rock. Anyways, thanks for coming by last night- i miss us.
Mishaps with a mannequin 